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Why Do I Always Do This To Myself? (sorry About The Length)?

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Why Do I Always Do This To Myself? (sorry About The Length)?

Postby Ellary » Thu Oct 12, 2017 9:33 am

In the last year I graduated high school and started university. I'd been looking foreword to that time since grade six... Now, I can't seem to enjoy it. I don't feel like I deserve to be in university. I'm taking music. I auditioned to get in, I took a music theory test and I did get in. Now, it's the end of my second semester and I'm failing all my class. Why? Because I don't feel like I deserve good grades so I don't do my assignments. Every time I hand in anything I get somewhere between 90-100%. Then I feel like I didn't deserve that mark so I stop handing in things. Now I'm three days away from finals beginning and I'd like to know why can't I let myself be happy?

When I was in grade two my family moved to the other side of town. My parents let us stay at the same school even though it cost them a lot of money. At the end of that year my mother was in a very bad car accident. She has never fully recovered. She limps and has chronic pain and faces many depression and stress issues everyday. We struggled through the summer after the accident as my dad worked shift work and my brother and I had to help my mom out around the house. My parent no longer had the time to drive me to soccer practice so I could no longer be in the one thing I used to love. After returning to school to start grade three I was bullied for no reason other then my early "blooming." I had a b-cup sized bra by that time and unfortunately that also meant I had a little extra weight. I was cast out and rejected by every old and new student in my class. I began to hate school and stay home pretending to be sick. My teachers would yell or get mad and then I would lie to get out of it. My mom was going out of town everyday for physical therapy, my dad still working shift work and my brother didn't seem to care.

Skip ahead a few years to grade six and not much has changed. I had no friends and skipped school a lot and I had gained a little too much weight. The only real changes were that I began to play the flute and my grandad was in bed dying of cancer. I was actually really good at it. I practiced all the time, even though my parents complained about the noise. I loved something. I hadn't felt that way about something other then soccer and I couldn't play soccer anymore. My grandad passed away in october. I threw myself into music and begged my parents a pet. They got a dog, we named him Tyke. That dog loved my mom and didn't even like me... I wanted a cat. Either way, things started to look up because music was the only thing that mattered. In grade eight I finally made a friend but I was so socially awkward that didn't't know how to be a friend anymore. She was strange and perhaps depressed but I was just happy to have someone to call a friend. My mom's younger sister, my aunt, passed away from breast cancer that same year...

I told myself life would be different in high school and it was. I continued with music and joined the drama productions. I made friends and began to feel better about life and myself. I barely spent anytime at home. My dad got a promotion and worked regular hours, my mom was still in very bad health and the government insurance claimed that she didn't need anymore help and cut her off. My brother was graduating and the president of the high school. In grade ten I kept pushing myself and spent 18 hour days at school. My nana passed away in january... I was too busy to stop and cry. My mom had lost her dad, younger sister and mother. She was incredibly depressed and slept all day and night. That summer, I told myself I wasn't going to make myself so busy. I didn't and I relaxed into high school. At the end of grade eleven, our dog Tyke passed away. He had grown to love us all and was a fantastic dog. A month after we got a new dog and cat, Shina and Lulu. In grade twelve, I prepared for my audition for university yet, somehow, I realized didn't want to practice. I felt like I didn't deserve to feel the happiness I got from playing. So I didn't. I went and auditioned at my dream school and I didn't get in. I audition at my second choice school and got in.

Now, I sit here a little less then a year later and am wondering why I don't feel any kind of joy anymore. The last time I remember feeling joy was in grade ten. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I let myself pass? Why can't I just let myself be happy? I know every person deserves to be happy but I don't even feel like a person sometimes.
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