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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby Elvin » Fri May 19, 2017 7:03 pm

Okay, first of all I am aware of the terrible success rates that come along with a young marriage. I know that some people get married for terrible reasons as well.






I am 19 years old and I met this wonderful man, (21 years old), who is in the Air force. I know people may not take this lightly, but we had amazing chemistry within the first week of talking face to face. I love him to pieces and I want nothing more than to support him in life. He is honestly all I have ever dreamed of, of course, most importantly we share the same faith. That means the most to me. I know that marriage is a huge responsibility, and we don't plan on having kids until I'm 26! He makes me happy, I make him happy, we want to serve and help each other. He doesn't believe in divorce. He is very serious about spending the rest of his life with me.





His parents both got married at 21. They have been together for 20 years. His grandparents 19, still together. Honestly, the fact that we share the same faith...really is what ties it altogether.






My mom is worried I'm too young, but I have her blessings. He is able to support me financially, no house payment, and full coverage insurance- so money won't be an issue (I hear many couples fight about this).








SO, my question is, how young is too young? Are we too young too get married? I know people will definitely give me a hard time.
Elvin
 
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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby Mads » Fri May 19, 2017 9:04 pm

I was 19 (husband 21) when I got married.
I don't think it's to young, if you've found that person and know it then what does it matter if your 19 or 30? FYI, we are still married going on 10 years.
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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby Crosleigh » Fri May 19, 2017 11:46 pm

Okay, first of all I am aware of the terrible success rates that come along with a young marriage. I know that some people get married for terrible reasons as well.


I am 19 years old and I met this wonderful man, (21 years old), who is in the Air force. I know people may not take this lightly, but we had amazing chemistry within the first week of talking face to face. I love him to pieces and I want nothing more than to support him in life. He is honestly all I have ever dreamed of, of course, most importantly we share the same faith. That means the most to me. I know that marriage is a huge responsibility, and we don't plan on having kids until I'm 26! He makes me happy, I make him happy, we want to serve and help each other. He doesn't believe in divorce. He is very serious about spending the rest of his life with me.

His parents both got married at 21. They have been together for 20 years. His grandparents 19, still together. Honestly, the fact that we share the same faith...really is what ties it altogether.


My mom is worried I'm too young, but I have her blessings. He is able to support me financially, no house payment, and full coverage insurance- so money won't be an issue (I hear many couples fight about this).

SO, my question is, how young is too young? Are we too young too get married? I know people will definitely give me a hard time.
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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby Chiko » Sat May 20, 2017 12:44 am

It's not really about youth as much as it is about various ways of measuring maturity.
Emotional maturity, general life experience, etc.

The red flag to me is that you are talking about love and chemistry.
Sorry, but these are NOT the foundations of marriage.
Those are the marriages most likely to end up in trouble.
And honestly, although I personally have no intentions of ever divorcing either, just a belief against divorce isn't enough to guarantee a great marriage.
My parents really should have divorced years ago for how poorly they get on, but they "don't believe in it."

And the believing in the same faith thing? HA!!! That is NOT the cornerstone of a successful marriage.
A long marriage, maybe.
But not a successful one.
Sharing the same ideas about faith is nice, but ultimately it really is a changeable trait.
So you have to make sure you love and respect deeper things about him than just his choice of church.
No matter what you say, he can and very will might change his mind about faith at some point in his life.
It happens frequently.
So that being a key point in your argument is very naive.

Marriage is built on both parties having solid relationship skills, and love isn't anywhere near as important as respect.


The "It's not love" thing: This means both of you need to respect deeply-ingrained character traits about each other.
Choice of religion is not a deeply-ingrained character trait.
His view of humanity and community and interpersonal responsibility to others is more important to keep an eye on.
Just because he goes to the same church as you doesn't mean he treats the wait staff in restaurants with dignity and patience-- that's actually more important.
Etc.

The relationship skills thing: Either you have empathy-based skills or you don't, same for him.
If only one of you has the correct type of relationship skills (which usually learned through a few different long-term relationships by most people), you might make it for a good 10 years before that person finally gets sick of it and the marriage dries up.
If neither of you is very skilled at relationship-tending, your marriage will slowly begin to suck as soon as the honeymoon phase is over.
(By the way, research is very clear that about two years into a relationship, the chemical reactions in our brains finally settle down.
There REALLY IS a honeymoon phase, and it REALLY DOES change the way you see your mate in a rosy-viewed way.
That's why so many people start to have marriage problems after the newlywed phase.)

The only way to really guarantee a great marriage, which few people realize, actually, is 1) to choose your partner wisely, keeping the "respect and relationship skills" thing at the top of the page.
Then, 2) BE respectable and use your own relationship skills AT ALL TIMES, FOREVER.
This of course allows for human mistakes, but apologizing and mending things quickly and cleanly.

____________

So, for me, it's not your age at all, but the fact that you're focused on naive things that really are not the cornerstones of successful long-term marriages.
You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you make this decision lacking the life experience you need to truly understand those things.


I do applaud you for planning on waiting to have children.
It's best to get past the "honeymoon phase" by at least a year or so to make sure you really are making it on more than just those foggy love hormones.
I'm a teacher, and I see SO MANY students where the family story is: "Got married young, had kids quick, split up soon after." My thought is always: "Why on earth did you bring some defenseless kids into the equation before really even giving the marriage a chance?!" (I'm expecting thumbs-down for that opinion if anyone actually reads this.)
Chiko
 
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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby Howahkan » Sat May 20, 2017 2:55 pm

My wife was 21 and I was 23 when we got married and we are still together after 20 years.

The question is not so much how young is too young, after all you are an adult, but whether you know this guy well enough.


My wife's niece is 25 and she recently met a guy in the service. She also thought he was perfect,etc. etc.and after 6 months they decided to get married against the advice of all those cared about them. Well it took less than a year for her to find out that he will rather spend time with his buddies than her. And he came to find out that she doesn't like to cook, clean the house, do the laundry or all the other things that he was expecting his stay at home wife to do.

The are now separated and will probably end up divorced.

The difference between them and us was that my wife and I dated for 4 years. She had the chance to know me and understand my values, dreams, etc. And so did I.

The hardest thing about marriage is change. People change constantly over time and staying in love with someone who is much different than the person you married is what tears marriages apart. Now try marrying someone who you discover is not who you thought he/she was while you were dating and you have the recipe for disaster.

Know the person who you are marrying.
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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby cyneric » Mon May 22, 2017 11:17 am

I think 23 is generally a good age to get married.
Though, obviously, it depends on the relationship and the individual.
Some people are going to be ready before that; some people are still going to need a couple of years to mature.

One thing that concerns me about your situation is that you don't mention how long you've been together.
I'm getting the sense it hasn't even been that long, probably under a year? Maybe even only a few months? I know you hear the success stories of couples who say they knew after a week that they'd found the one and then are still married after twenty or thirty years.
But for all of those, there are many more who thought they'd found the one only to have the relationship crash and burn later on.
I think this especially happens at around your age because you're among the first in your age group to get married and aren't as aware of the risks.
Those of us who are older who have usually witnessed a few friends sitting around with stars in their eyes, talking about how they've definitely found the one, only to be getting a divorce a few years later.
Once you've witness that you tend to be more cautious about taking the time to make sure it really is the real deal for those reasons.

The things you mentioned- having the same faith and having money to be financially independent are definitely things that help the chances of your relationship surviving.
However, they are far from a guarantee of success.
People are all imperfect.
None of us are able to live up to our beliefs all of the time.
So even though a couple may agree in theory on how to live their lives, in reality, there are still going to be a lot of bumps that create problems.
Also, lots of couples who have more than enough money to get by, still get into arguments about money.
Just because you have a lot of money doesn't mean you're not going to run into disagreements on how it should be spent.

It's your decision, but I would strongly recommend waiting at least a couple more years in your situation.
If it's meant to be, you'll still have the rest of your lives to spend together.
What's the rush? Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby Eyou » Mon May 22, 2017 2:03 pm

I think under 25 is too young.

I'm 23, I'm engaged, but we don't plan to get married for about another 3 years.

At least you're doing the right thing by not planning on having kids until you're 26.
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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby Eysteinn » Mon May 22, 2017 4:10 pm

Actually, there is more pressure to wait. In the paper recently, the average age to marry for a woman was 26. The average guy was 28. The best time to have children is before you are 30.
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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby Gwenwynwyn » Tue May 23, 2017 7:56 am

You need to take some time getting to know him better.
I say 25 for you.
Reason is many marriages fail due to rushing out of the house from mom and dad into the arms of some guy not experiencing any time single or alone.
Your just looking right now for someone to support you.
Hence the comment about money not being a problem.
Think about this.....say it doesn't work out now what? You never did get a job or even attempt being single.
He has money but you don't.
He has a job but you don't.
See what I am saying? Don't compare yourself to those older couples you mentioned they are not you.

No one believes in divorce.....even myself didn't when I married at 19 then divorced not wanting to divorce but things happen in life.
Life throws curve balls at you.


After being single for 20 yrs I learned to take care of myself.
I married again but I was wise (age 39).

I'm not saying wait that long but now I see life clear and not through rose colored glasses.
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Am I Too Young To Get Married?? How Young Is Too Young?

Postby des » Tue May 23, 2017 5:59 pm

Anything under 18 is young hence why the legal marrying age is 18
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