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Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

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Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

Postby Dana » Wed Oct 04, 2017 6:53 am

We are both divorced, dating 7 months she has three kids, I have two kids. All our kids are ADULTS. I understand the need for a parent to help their children through life. Such as offering guidance and forethought when an issue affects a young adult child. Her three are at the respective ages of 22 (lives on her own YAY), 24, and 25 (lives at home). I know that a child needs parental assistance to a certain age, then the child needs to learn to handle many of life's issues as they present themselves and learn to deal with them and grow. I've been told that this is a form of enmeshment. However, at what point does a parent need to stop "nurturing" the adult children?
These children have grown up to depend on mom for everything for them, from buying their health insurance, to submitting resumes, and to allowing the 25 year old son to live in the house without contributing AT ALL to the household expenses. He only has to mow the yard, She has ALL their e-mail passwords as well to check their mail for them. She responds to emails without consulting them. I feel the kids should be guided and offered minimal assistance to learn lessons presented to them in life.
In addition, to doing their wash, cooking for them, etc. They call mom for EVERY little problem (and I mean little) that comes up. Mom is involved in every life aspect from telling them who to date and who to dump. She also filled out an online dating site narrative for one daughter too.
I also add, that we went to look at Christmas lights. Oldest son provokes daughter, SERIOUSLY, they both were acting like five year olds, picking at each other and not in the friendly kidding around sense. It was almost as if he was intentionally trying to get his sister yelled at, which happened from mom. The oldest, a boy, does not date at all, etc, but does work fulltime. This kid even holds his spoon like a five year old in the fist with his thumb balancing the spoon on the main tong. My two kids are grown and gone, one 23 year old in the military, one 19 year old in college. We talk, but 99% of the time they handle their issues without assistance. That makes me proud that my kids are self-sufficient.
What are your thoughts on this??
Dana
 
Posts: 53
Joined: Sat Jan 04, 2014 7:34 pm

Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

Postby Palben » Wed Oct 04, 2017 8:54 pm

We are both divorced, dating 7 months she has three kids, I have two kids. All our kids are ADULTS. I understand the need for a parent to help their children through life. Such as offering guidance and forethought when an issue affects a young adult child. Her three are at the respective ages of 22 (lives on her own YAY), 24, and 25 (lives at home). I know that a child needs parental assistance to a certain age, then the child needs to learn to handle many of life's issues as they present themselves and learn to deal with them and grow. I've been told that this is a form of enmeshment. However, at what point does a parent need to stop "nurturing" the adult children?

These children have grown up to depend on mom for everything for them, from buying their health insurance, to submitting resumes, and to allowing the 25 year old son to live in the house without contributing AT ALL to the household expenses. He only has to mow the yard, She has ALL their e-mail passwords as well to check their mail for them. She responds to emails without consulting them. I feel the kids should be guided and offered minimal assistance to learn lessons presented to them in life.

In addition, to doing their wash, cooking for them, etc. They call mom for EVERY little problem (and I mean little) that comes up. Mom is involved in every life aspect from telling them who to date and who to dump. She also filled out an online dating site narrative for one daughter too.

I also add, that we went to look at Christmas lights. Oldest son provokes daughter, SERIOUSLY, they both were acting like five year olds, picking at each other and not in the friendly kidding around sense. It was almost as if he was intentionally trying to get his sister yelled at, which happened from mom. The oldest, a boy, does not date at all, etc, but does work fulltime. This kid even holds his spoon like a five year old in the fist with his thumb balancing the spoon on the main tong. My two kids are grown and gone, one 23 year old in the military, one 19 year old in college. We talk, but 99% of the time they handle their issues without assistance. That makes me proud that my kids are self-sufficient.

What are your thoughts on this??
Palben
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:12 am

Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

Postby Culbert » Wed Oct 04, 2017 10:44 pm

EDIT DO NOT MARRY THIS control freak...she raised them to be dependent and they are - they need her and she feels need = oldest game in the book - and the worst thing you can do for you children

they are mentally and emotionally YEARS behind others because they never learned to think for themselves - they don't know how to make decisions - mom has always done it for them

sorry but I really feel sorry for them- and I would not think of moving in with this woman until she has allowed those children to grow up and move out . .. she's always going to help them but if they are out of the house - it will be ALOT easier . . .to let them go slowly
Culbert
 
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Joined: Fri Jan 17, 2014 1:32 pm

Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

Postby rameez » Thu Oct 05, 2017 10:21 pm

Emotionally Needy Children
rameez
 
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Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 6:38 pm

Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

Postby Feiwel » Fri Oct 06, 2017 12:38 am

Think your probably right but not worth the trouble pointing out as probably will end the relationship.
She will always side with her kids.
She probably does it because doesn't want them to leave.
Maybe you could ask her if she still wants them around all the time.
Good luck not sure which way it would go.
Feiwel
 
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Joined: Fri Jan 03, 2014 4:39 pm

Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

Postby Watson » Fri Oct 06, 2017 8:56 pm

They sound like my wife's sisters.
21 and 22 years old, living in a house with all their friends, partying all the time, drinking all the time, bragging about it on facebook, and their DADDY pays all their bills.
From their cell phone to their rent to their school to even giving them money for gas.
Makes me want to vomit half the time.
When I was 21 I was working full time and paying $300 to sleep on a couch with no car, no credit, and only my drive & ambition keeping me above water! So I get what you're talking about!

Unfortunately, your feelings towards these adult children aren't going to change.
There is NOTHING that is going to get you to accept how they are, short of them all moving out and standing on their own two feet.
And right now, that's not your job.
So I would keep things as casual as I can with the mom.
Date her, take her to dinner, do fun things with her, have her over for sleepovers, etc etc.
But keep things at arms distance.
And when she asks why, explain to her that you enjoy HER company but just can't stand her children! Just be ready to head back to the singles bar if she doesn't like what she hears!
Watson
 
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Joined: Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:45 pm

Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

Postby Dubhan » Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:51 pm

If this is your only contention within your relationship with her then, consider yourself lucky.
She has trained herself and her children to be co-dependent upon each other. She is just not likely to let them go anytime soon.

I agree with the other responder, if you cannot deal with this, she is not going to change without a lot of help/counseling/arguments/discussions to see the relevance and impact on her personal relationships.
You may need to decide to save yourself and move on.

Good luck
Dubhan
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Fri Jan 10, 2014 10:45 pm

Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

Postby MacNachtan » Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:39 pm

Unfortunately mom is the cause for them behaving like this. My husband's mother is the same way with her children. She spoiled all four of her children terribly. She did everything for them so when they reached adulthood they didn't learn what it was to be a responsible adult. Their mother would complain they didn't respect but her but why should they feel they had to when she did everything for them anyway. I stepped in and showed my husband a different way of life. He has grown up alot because of it. I understand what you're saying about her nurturing them. I too come from a family where my older siblings are incredibly dependent on my parents. They didn't teach us to be responsible. I just had to learn. I am 23, married, have a full time job, in the military, have a child, and live on my own. My brother is in and out of incarceration and my sister is a bum...both of them are older. I really think it is how they are raised. I just had the sense to not repeat my family's mistakes. I just have more pride than that. Basically, I know how frustrating it is!! There's nothing really you can do to change it. If you say something to their mother she may feel you are judging her as a mother. You can try and talk to her about it, just don't make her feel threatened. Best of luck to you.
MacNachtan
 
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Should Adult Children Be So Needy?? Help Please!!?

Postby Ol » Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:06 am

Whoa. Those kids are pathetic! First I want to say that I'm a 26 year old (so this is my generation we're talking about!) and these "children" sound like losers in every sense! They definitely need a push to get started on their lives! Mom needs to stop being the way she is because she's just perpetuating the cycle of dependence. Honestly, if she doesn't cut them off they'll never go because honestly, what incentive is there for them to be independent? Afterall, wouldn't we all like to have someone always indulging us all the time, regardless of how selfish or spoiled we may act?

I lived at home until I was 22 (my Mom insisted that while I go to University I stay at home so I wouldn't have a huge student debt load.) I sure appreciated that, but I was certainly happy to leave home when I was done with school! Your wife needs to step up and instill some pride in being independent and self-sufficient in these kids!
Ol
 
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Joined: Fri Jan 31, 2014 3:32 am


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