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Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

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Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

Postby Kerrie » Sat Sep 30, 2017 12:53 am

Hi I wanna know from a parents view on this.
First i am 27 years old and turning 28 in december this year. I travelled asia and throughout for a total of 3 and a half years and worked in china and japan for 2 and half years as a foreign teacher.
Recently my parents, father who is 65 yrs and a mother in her early 50s have decided to retire and are currently building a house as we speak. I am in holiday mode at this point and trying to get some break and spend some time with them to enjoy the new house.
I am the only child in the family and even in my early 20s my parents still gave me a curfew because they were overprotective, they still treat me like a child until now as i am unmarried and have no children. This included giving me thousands of dollars, a car and a future house, clothes and other materialistic posessions. When i was working my mother insisted on paying for my car insurance and medication whenever i got sick and still give me allowance every week. When things got abit difficult in china i ran out of money and my visa expired they bailed me out and gave me thousands of cash and i mean lots and lots of money.

The only trouble is my father somewhat feels that i cannot do anything by myself after what happened in china when i did purposely asked for their help. Eventhough him knowing that i was in big trouble and i had no other choice, he did not appreciate it.
My exboyfriend whom they hated still continues to come up in dinner conversations, debates and arguments. I did end up leaving my ex not only because it did not work out between us but also to end the conflict between me and my parents.
Now i mistakenly think that its all over, they bring up the china part and then everything else. My father says i am a failure and i am nothing close to perfect which is very hurtful.

Yesterday my mother was talking with her friends and mentioned something about me working in an airport which i had no plans or idea about. I wanted to work as a teacher again teaching english but here in australia or doing the veterinary thing but i realised that is still far to go as i have to go through so many courses to pass the test. I got angry and confused because my mother did not tell me about anything to do with working in an airport and I told her that She and my father had no right to make plans for me because i am now a grown up and can plan my life myself and i know what is best for me, i mean i am nearly 30 and have travelled half the world by myself and have lots of experience?!
I told her however that its ok for her to suggest things to me or give me advice but not making decisions because I am old enough to make the decisions.
Anyway after she came home she was furious and was yelling and shouting while i was in the shower. she said to me that I have no respect for her with how i said the things i said to her and what i said. She said she doesnt understand why i was angry and yelling? (ok we were texting by the way) Any she repeatedly implied that i had no respect for my parents by saying that 'i didnt want her making plans for my life because i was old enough to make my own plans'. Suprisingly my father agreed with her and they both just started ganging up on me?
I felt afraid everytime i walked pass them and come on i got so nervous and angry at the same time that my already shaking hands (due to hyperthyroidism) was shaking even more.
At the end of the night, i walked into my parents room and apologised because it was the only logical thing to do. They my parents have never said sorry out of all the times that they may have been in the wrong, not once have they said sorry to me but i always said sorry, i always gave up the battle because i know that parents think they are always right just like customers are right. Then they brag about everything they have done for me and all the money (nearly $100,000) that they given me throughout the years and i have done nothing of the equivalent. This is what really stabs me right in the heart. It makes me feel guilty. i never asked money half the time they are just throwing it at me and smiling saying 'here have all this money we love you'. But everytime i do something they do not approve of or do not like or we get into some kind of arguement and i happen to yell back - they bring all this sh1t up about it.
After yesterday my parents are not going to buy me a car when i get back to work eventhough they kind of promised they would because they were concerned about my safety. My father keeps telling me to say sorry to my mother like a hundred times and perhaps she might just hand me some money. And i have to admit i need money now more than ever because i lost my job and i am currently studying a short course.

So now the car thing is gone and i am just going to forget whatever they promised or said to me because in reality i really should not be expecting this from them as i am old enough to work and save money myself, but t
Kerrie
 
Posts: 53
Joined: Mon Jan 13, 2014 5:31 am

Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

Postby Zacharias » Sat Sep 30, 2017 5:59 am

It sounds like you've kind of set yourself up for this by accepting all the money and cars etc.
I'm sorry to point this out to you but it's childish to think that everything your parents do for you should be a gift.
When you let someone support you, you give them control over you.

You need to stand on your own 2 feet.
Forget the car OR say to your parents....can you please help me buy a car? I can afford to pay $xxx per month until I've paid you back.

There's nothing wrong with going to mom and dad for help.
But if you want them to respect you then you need to behave like an adult.
Adults borrow money and pay it back, they do not expect gifts like cars.

It'll be a hard habit to break but you're going to be really proud of yourself after.

Good luck.
Zacharias
 
Posts: 53
Joined: Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:18 pm

Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

Postby Allin » Mon Oct 02, 2017 11:30 pm

Well first of all i dont stomp and yell like a child lol. I try to reason out with them. I have lived and stood by myself for 2 years in another country without bothering them for a long time. And plus other people i know also get handed money every time they get into trouble but their parents dont treat them like a 12 year old with curfews and tell em how to live their lives?
Allin
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Tue Jan 21, 2014 3:25 pm

Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

Postby Emanuele » Tue Oct 03, 2017 6:36 am

Hi I wanna know from a parents view on this.

First i am 27 years old and turning 28 in december this year. I travelled asia and throughout for a total of 3 and a half years and worked in china and japan for 2 and half years as a foreign teacher.

Recently my parents, father who is 65 yrs and a mother in her early 50s have decided to retire and are currently building a house as we speak. I am in holiday mode at this point and trying to get some break and spend some time with them to enjoy the new house.

I am the only child in the family and even in my early 20s my parents still gave me a curfew because they were overprotective, they still treat me like a child until now as i am unmarried and have no children. This included giving me thousands of dollars, a car and a future house, clothes and other materialistic posessions. When i was working my mother insisted on paying for my car insurance and medication whenever i got sick and still give me allowance every week. When things got abit difficult in china i ran out of money and my visa expired they bailed me out and gave me thousands of cash and i mean lots and lots of money.


The only trouble is my father somewhat feels that i cannot do anything by myself after what happened in china when i did purposely asked for their help. Eventhough him knowing that i was in big trouble and i had no other choice, he did not appreciate it.

My exboyfriend whom they hated still continues to come up in dinner conversations, debates and arguments. I did end up leaving my ex not only because it did not work out between us but also to end the conflict between me and my parents.

Now i mistakenly think that its all over, they bring up the china part and then everything else. My father says i am a failure and i am nothing close to perfect which is very hurtful.


Yesterday my mother was talking with her friends and mentioned something about me working in an airport which i had no plans or idea about. I wanted to work as a teacher again teaching english but here in australia or doing the veterinary thing but i realised that is still far to go as i have to go through so many courses to pass the test. I got angry and confused because my mother did not tell me about anything to do with working in an airport and I told her that She and my father had no right to make plans for me because i am now a grown up and can plan my life myself and i know what is best for me, i mean i am nearly 30 and have travelled half the world by myself and have lots of experience?!

I told her however that its ok for her to suggest things to me or give me advice but not making decisions because I am old enough to make the decisions.

Anyway after she came home she was furious and was yelling and shouting while i was in the shower. she said to me that I have no respect for her with how i said the things i said to her and what i said. She said she doesnt understand why i was angry and yelling? (ok we were texting by the way) Any she repeatedly implied that i had no respect for my parents by saying that 'i didnt want her making plans for my life because i was old enough to make my own plans'. Suprisingly my father agreed with her and they both just started ganging up on me?

I felt afraid everytime i walked pass them and come on i got so nervous and angry at the same time that my already shaking hands (due to hyperthyroidism) was shaking even more.

At the end of the night, i walked into my parents room and apologised because it was the only logical thing to do. They my parents have never said sorry out of all the times that they may have been in the wrong, not once have they said sorry to me but i always said sorry, i always gave up the battle because i know that parents think they are always right just like customers are right. Then they brag about everything they have done for me and all the money (nearly $100,000) that they given me throughout the years and i have done nothing of the equivalent. This is what really stabs me right in the heart. It makes me feel guilty. i never asked money half the time they are just throwing it at me and smiling saying 'here have all this money we love you'. But everytime i do something they do not approve of or do not like or we get into some kind of arguement and i happen to yell back - they bring all this sh1t up about it.

After yesterday my parents are not going to buy me a car when i get back to work eventhough they kind of promised they would because they were concerned about my safety. My father keeps telling me to say sorry to my mother like a hundred times and perhaps she might just hand me some money. And i have to admit i need money now more than ever because i lost my job and i am currently studying a short course.


So now the car thing is gone and i am just going to forget whatever they promised or said to me because in reality i really should not be expecting this from them as i am old enough to work and save money myself, but t
Emanuele
 
Posts: 53
Joined: Wed Jan 08, 2014 3:20 pm

Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

Postby Ansell » Tue Oct 03, 2017 9:10 am

The only way to solve any of this......

Cut the purse strings, move out, and COMPLETELY support yourself.
Dont accept their money when they throw it at you.
Dont give them your billing information.
Just go out, and support yourself.

I agree that some of the things you said really arent fair and I dont know why your parents act like that.
All I do know, is that the only way to change it is to go out and support yourself, and make your own life independent of them.
Ansell
 
Posts: 49
Joined: Sat Jan 11, 2014 3:15 pm

Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

Postby Dany » Wed Oct 04, 2017 1:34 am

Reply to Parent: I assumed as mature as you already are would know that there are a number of aspects to maturity of an individual and is accumulated at different times given the experience that vary at different stages in ones life. Maturity like emotional maturity changes from time to time depending on events that leave an impact eg; trauma. Emotionally immature people are usually driven with the lack or fall of logic thinking my psychiatrist once stated, but that does not mean one is not capable of functioning in the adult society. Some if not most of us are still learning something new each day even as a teacher and that is why we are here in life in our own trek.
Dany
 
Posts: 64
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2014 7:27 pm

Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

Postby Adao » Thu Oct 05, 2017 5:22 pm

You could have very easily said no to all the money and things they have provided for you over the years. If my child was in the late 20's and was still sponging off of me and had the same thought process that you show in this question. I would know that i failed somewhere along the way.
I agree with what your parents are attempting to do now, that's correct the mistakes of the past. They are attempting to make you be accountable for your life and be self sufficient. This should have happened ten years ago. They may not be handling it as you would like them to, and no one knows if this is the wrong or right way to go about it. It sounds like they have always been there for you and that's what you should be clinging to as you get your self straightened out.
By the way, although you do lay your case out in a very well organized well written manner.
The logic is about at the same level of my teen sons. That leaves me with the impression that you not as mature as your age would indicate, regardless of what you've done.
Adao
 
Posts: 68
Joined: Sat Jan 18, 2014 3:42 am

Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

Postby Quinn » Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:04 pm

well while you keep letting your parents bail you out and your taking their handouts they will keep having their say.seems like you have travelled and had some adventures maybe its now time to settle in one place with a regular job own place and be independent.
Quinn
 
Posts: 59
Joined: Wed Jan 08, 2014 1:57 pm

Parental Mentality And Trying To Understand It?

Postby Gwernaeh » Mon Oct 09, 2017 11:49 am

What do you need to understand about them? They made a mistake, handed you too much, you prove you come running and or expect and need things without standing ever on your own.... they are going to die soon and they are worried you can't make it because you never manage to. Then you yell and stomp like a child? Apoligise and let them know you are going to be responsible from now on and manage your life like an adult without your hand out. Give them some peace as they age that you are an adult, not braying loudly stomping your feet.. I am an adult look at my age
Gwernaeh
 
Posts: 78
Joined: Sat Jan 18, 2014 1:44 pm


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